I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
