To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
