I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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