He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
