he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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