This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
