I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
