i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
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Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
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Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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