bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
