We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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