so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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