He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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