It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
