Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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