i'm signing you up for texting rehab
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
