Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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