I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
