i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
