i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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