Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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