so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
