Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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