That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
