Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
