i would punch a child for taco bell
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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