I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I think I won the penis lottery.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
