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Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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