There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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