so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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