a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
