To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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