A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You left your phone here
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