i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
