3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
