If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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