I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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