Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
