end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
