I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
