She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
