Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
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What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
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I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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