i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
