she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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