I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
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He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize