I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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