Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
