I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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