see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
