I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
When are your genitals available?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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