whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
