woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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