I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
