So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
