hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
