This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
