I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
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i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
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Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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