i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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