I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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