i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
